Confessions from a Soon-To-Be Empty Nester

"For over 2 decades my #1 pursuit was raising my children well,

and now the job is over,

and here I stand like a high-level,

high stress but low paid CEO

who's company just got bought out!"

In the not too far distant future, I will enter the realm of empty nester. And to be honest, I'm not too sure how I feel about that.

If you ask my husband, sure, he is ready to have the house to ourselves again. If you ask my acquaintances who have gone through this phase of their lives, it's wonderful. Enjoy it.

I'm still not convinced.

My son, Brandon, is a rising senior in high school and my daughter, Briana, is a rising junior in high school. So, they will leave to pursue a collegiate education in the very near future, and in back to back events. I won't have the opportunity to get use to one being gone before the other leaves.

Over the years, my children and I have had a great relationship; I can't even complain about the teenage years. I've always spent a lot of time with them and have always nurtured their interest, exposed them to new things and supported their endeavors, as most parents do. I've always tried to respect them as the individual and unique young people that they are. If I must say so myself, my children are good kids. They have good heads on their shoulders and will make intelligent decisions as they explore the next chapter of their lives as they "become" and fulfill their destiny.

So, what's the problem you ask?

To be honest, I'm not sure myself. Yes, I will miss them dearly. Yes, my buddies will be away at college, hopefully not too far, but not too close either. Yes, the house will feel empty without them, without the constant activity and chatter. Yes, they are moving on to the next phase of their lives and they will probably make some mistakes. Yes, they will become productive citizens of the world. And yes, I know they will make us proud.

I will forever cherish their early years: the first day of school, purchasing school supplies, buying the cartoon-character Valentine Day cards, picking the perfect Halloween costumes, waking up on Xmas morning, attending ballet, tap, jazz, basketball practices and games, cheering at cross country events, karate lessons, smiling as they recited Easter and Xmas speeches, attending school functions where they received awards, recited poems, and the list goes on and on and on. Great memories, great times...

I think the moving on means I have to enter the next phase of my life as well.

For so long, my identity has been one of wife, mother and author...I'll feel lost without wearing the title of hands on mom. True, I know I will always be their mom, but I must learn to function at a different level.

Change is good, right? Of course it is. The only thing that is constant is change. Now, I will have more time to spend with my husband, more time to focus on writing, more time to focus on me and me time.

A soon-to-be empty nester---that's me. That's my new title.
A title I will eventually wear with pride because I realize I have done the best I can in raising my children. My job is done.

I won't embrace it like a glove, but I'm sure in time, I will accept it. I have no choice.

For the parents who have little ones, my words of advice is to enjoy them, love them, hold them close...because the years fly by so quickly and one day you wake up and they are young men and women.

That's the beauty of life....it's forever changing and evolving, just ripe for new memories and experiences.

Speaking from Beyond the Grave

I am seriously thinking about starting a personal journal for each of my children, Brandon and Briana, for when I am gone.

No, I don't have any immediate plans to pass away anytime soon. God willing, I hope to live a long, healthy and productive life. However, I know from experience that the best-laid plans don't always pan out the way we would like them to.

My plans are to leave behind a journal so that my children can always have a piece of me with them. I hope that doesn't sound too morbid. I realize I will always, hopefully, be in their hearts and memories, but wouldn't it be cool to physically have a record/journal of my thoughts, hopes, fears, joys, triumphs, failures, loves, dreams and pains? They may not appreciate it now, but when they become adults, I think they will.

This is something I'd like to do because I recognize how I would love to have the opportunity to sit down and have one last conversation with my mother. Yet, I guess I do, in my very vivid dreams. I have always had so many questions that I was never able to ask.

Believe me, I don't usually sit around pondering my own immortality any more than other people, but occasionally I think about how life will be for my family when I have moved on to the next level.

I guess I have always had a slight fascination with death and dying. Who else would have had a Death and Dying class at 8:00 a.m., in the morning, winter quarter when I attended college? It was actually a great class and I took a lot from it. I wish I still had those old journal entries we had to write each and every day.

I've always believed in alternative ways of thinking and I've never allowed myself into thinking only "this" or "that" is the absolute right or wrong way. I've always questioned everything and thought of the what ifs, ands, buts and could ofs for everything in my life.

So. . . that's it. I've released it to the universe. It's a done deal as I have now committed to the project. Since I believe in seasons and cycles in life, I think I'll start this process in January 2010.

Stop the Madness!

“Four-year-old found dead while in the care of live-in boyfriend”

“Two-year old, with multiple internal injuries, found sodomized and dead in crib”

I am so sick and tired of reading in the newspaper or online or watching on the evening news about a child losing his/her life at the hands of a live-in boyfriend or a boyfriend who is babysitting for his girlfriend. It’s all so senseless and avoidable. I know I’m probably going to piss off some single moms out there, but I don’t care. Someone has to give these children a voice. They are the victims in these scenarios.

Stop the madness! I’ll say that again, in case you missed it:STOP THE MADNESS! I’ve never been a single mom, but if I were, I’d never, ever leave my child or children with a man I’ve just met and is dating. In many cases, these women are simply waltzing off to work, shopping or wherever and leaving their innocent babies behind to be slaughtered by men (monsters) they really don’t know. I don’t care if you think you love him, he loves you, he’s good to you, he throws down in bed. . . If you are a mother, single or married, in this day and age, you HAVE to be careful. There are no ifs, ands or buts. You have to be extra careful. We live in a world where there are a lot of evil predators lurking around and our children are their primary prey. Don’t hand over your children on a serving tray.

Women simply don’t know what they are bringing up into their homes---in some cases; it’s a sick pedophile or abuser. And they find out all too soon, usually later. Even if the children aren’t killed, they are damaged on a mental and emotional level from the abuse. It changes their lives forever. It breaks my heart to hear of these stories over and over again. Same script, different cast of characters. Women, mothers, wake the hell up, and quit trusting these monsters to be caregivers to your children. You are dating them, not your children. Quit being so trusting and accommodating for these men. I could go on and on about what low-life, trifling, slimy, disgusting mofos these men truly are. However, I won’t because we don’t have to give them power. We don’t have to give them our babies.

My children were probably two-years old before they ever stayed overnight at anyone’s home, family included. I wanted them to have the ability to talk and inform me of what was going on in any situation I placed them in. It’s a sad society that we live in; however, it is our reality. We simply don’t know what people are capable of. Sometimes it is stuff found in our worse nightmares. Female, and male children for that matter, aren’t safe these days. I’ve found that anybody can talk a good game and put on a nice demeanor for awhile;long enough to claim your trust and your children.

I’m not trying to sound preachy. . . I’m simply concerned. I’m simply passionate about our young people. I realize we can’t be with our children 24-7 and even with the best intentions and safeguards, bad things still and can happen. I’m encouraging women to act more cautious and responsible in who you are handing your children over to and bringing into their lives.

The Secret Life of Kids

Close your eyes, don't peep, and think back to when you were a kid. . . look at your own children. . . they all have one thing in common. They are dreamers!

When someone asks a child, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The typical child can recite a laundry list of professions. "I wanna be a doctor and a rapper and a football player and an astronaunt, oh and I wanna be a famous singer."

What is so powerful about the answer is that in their heart of hearts, they truly believe it. They believe they can be whatever they want to be. It's only later, when the harsh realities of life catch up with them, when they cast aside the naiveness of youth, it's only then that doubt sets in.

I think that's why I simply adore children when they are between the ages of 5-10 years old. They say the darnest things, they have wonderful imaginations and they STILL are dreamers. They truly believe in dreaming big, reaching for the stars and the sky is the limit.

One of the great things about dreaming is that it is a powerful tool. Once you visualize a dream, work hard towards achieving it and believe in it. . . the sky really is the limit.

So, why at some point does this ability to dream AND believe vanish from our pysches? I really don't know. Most of the time, by the time children, our children are teenagers, they have placed limitations on themselves. They start to think, "Well, maybe I can't be an attorney or Mom and Dad just said I could be anything I set my mind to." What happens?

I can honestly say, as a child, I was one of the biggest dreamers you could ever imagine. I dreamed big dreams in living color projected like they were on a movie screen. These dreams traveled with me well into my twenties, but somewhere along the way, I lost my vision. I guess life was beating me down. I was picking up on all the wrongs in an unjust world. I lost my ability to imagine and create my life. Along the way, I forgot that I am the creator of my own existence.

It's years later and I never regained my ability to dream quite so clearly and vividly. However, I didn't lose all of it. Somehow, I retained some of those traits and I'm able to look beyond the tragedy that can exist in life and instead choose to see the beauty and wonder of it all. Life is so amazing, so short and so full of opportunities to leave your mark and make a difference.

I've had dreams of many things during my lifetime:
1. I dreamed of a career---I received it
2. I dreamed of falling in love---I got my wish
3. I dreamed of having two beautiful children, a boy and girl. Guess what? My dream was answered.
4. I dreamed of having positive, inspiring, support, and loving people in my life---check, I have them
5. I dreamed of seeing the beauty in each and every one of us---I try each and every day to seek that out
6. I dreamed of living my life like it's golden---that is my goal each day
7. I dreamed of being a writer and reaching people through my words---check, done, still working on it
8. I dreamed of being the best person I can be---again, I'm a work in progress
9. I dreamed of being a good wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend---I can only hope that I've acheived this
10. My dreams are endless. . .

I'm so grateful that I didn't totally lose my ability to find the child in me. . . to believe I can do any and everything I set my mind to!

So, the next time you ask yourself, "What am I going to be when I really grow up?" What will your answer be and will you truly believe it?

My Aha Moment!

A couple of weeks ago, as Oprah would say, I had a treasured AHA moment.

It happened as I was speaking at an Open Campus event for teenage mothers between the ages of 14-18. Some of the young ladies were already mothers and others were pregnant.

The young ladies were participating in Literacy Week and as I spoke to them regarding my personal love of reading and writing, I felt such a connection and sense of purpose envelope me. There was such an amazing energy in the room that embraced me in pure love. Before my speech, at home, I had gotten down on my knees and prayed that my presentation be well received and that I be able to reach someone and plant a seed in their mind and heart.

I've spoken to groups of people many, many times since I've become a published author; that comes with the turf. However, this was the first time I had ever spoken to a group of young women. Mainly because my books tend to be racy and deal with adult relationship-based issues. My target market isn't the young adult market even though I am very much aware that they read my books.

I will say that though my books have adult themes, they do address prevalent issues found in our communities, such as domestic abuse, molestation, and dsyfunctional behavior to name a few themes. All the issues that young women experience, witness or deal with, some on a daily basis.

This event had a different spin because I was given the opportunity to share MY story, how I took my love affair with reading and writing and turned my dream into a career as a professional writer of contemporary fiction.

To witness the responsive, eager faces that held onto my every word was refreshing and edifying. Each girl had her own story as to how they were in the situations they were in, but there wasn't any judgment on my end. I felt we were exactly, at that moment in time, exactly where we were meant to be. I certainly think there is something powerful in the female bond.

I believe if we ask for it, it shall come. I can honestly say that my two great passions are writing and mentoring to young girls. Why young girls? I've always felt the need to reach out to them. The female species is so vulnerable to abuse, violence and suffering in this world we live in. We don't have to look at other countries for horrific examples, we can look in our own backyards.

So, I've always felt this burning desire in my spirit to reach out, take action and give back. That's why I was a Big Sister in the Big Brother, Big Sister Program because I wanted to be a mentor. Children will listen; they are like sponges and they really want to learn. They simply need someone positive and caring in their lives to make a difference. That's really all it takes. Someone to listen, care and share.

Ask for it and it shall come. I prayed for it and sure enough I received my request in two weeks. . . to speak to a room full of teenage mothers who are trying to complete their educations with the added responsibility of motherhood.

The universe places us exactly where we need to be and having the opportunity to make a difference. . . to be able to plant a seed. . . to touch a young life. . . AHA.

Priceless!