I Will Not Be Triumphed Over

The power of words has always been my salvation. In my darkest, most daunting moments, when I've felt I couldn't go on, they've purged, cleansed and restored my soul. Even as a child, at some level I understood this and basked in their beauty and strength.

In one of my most recent, more frequent pity party moments, I read the following:

"I will not be triumphed over."             

Wow! That spoke to me. Spoke to me from an ancient place of memory from generations and generations gone by. I am unbreakable, unbendable, unstoppable...no one, no thing, no situation, nobody is going to tear me down. Life may attempt to strip me down, stomp me down, wear me out, make me doubt myself, throw me curves, kick me to the curb, but in the end, I'll still rise. I will not be triumphed over. 

When I read those words, I immediately felt a heavy weight rise from my shoulders. I was at peace with my life, my situation, my predicament, my moment. Sure, I could, I really could, wallow in righteous self pity because life hasn't treated me like a favorite child recently. I'm in the midst of a storm, in the eye of a fierce storm that has bombarded me with residue from a layoff and a chain of unfortunate events that come at me blindly, from left and right. Yes, I could easily spiral into an empty pit of despair. I could curl up and give up.

Digesting that quote made me realize, I've survived worse---the death of my mother and sister being top on the list. I've been down before, but God always has my back. With age, I've come to realize that typically when one door closes, another opens right on time. We just have to remember to stop staring at the closed door in order to clearly see the one which has opened. The universe always makes a way for us.

No, I refuse to be triumphed over when my spirit is too strong to stay down and out. Do you hear me? My spirit, my resilience is too mighty. I have my doubts and worries like anyone else, I'm human, but when the dust settles and I'm in my quiet space, I hear the whispers, loud and clear, speaking to me from a place of wisdom. And I listen.

God has never and will never forsake me. And with that knowledge, I can loudly and mightily proclaim: I will not be triumphed over.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

Making a Difference

"Congratulations on your Black Expressions Feature!"

Have you ever heard the expression that the smallest gesture can make the biggest impression? It is definitely true. You never know what a smile or simple gesture will do for a person. It could make all the difference in their world.

Currently, I'm going through my manic-depressive state (I'm just kidding people; I'm not really a manic-depressive person. I do not want to get any rumors started. No, Pilar from Diary of a Stalker isn't based on me):) My self-imposed label stems from a private joke my friends and I share. And I certainly understand the serious nature of the disease and do not mean to make light of it in any shape, form or fashion. However, I tend to have periods of great moods and then suddenly, I become "Miss Moody, Leave Me the Hell Alone." Lately, I haven't been functioning at my best from a professional standpoint.

Ask any author, we all have our extreme highs and low lows. We pray that the highs outweigh the lows. In my case, the lows have lasted a little longer lately. For those of you who follow me, you know that I have shed some tears, vented about "woe with me, poor me". . . how I'm not at the level I'd like to be. . . how I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of the politics and changes of this industry. . . how I'm burnt out with the constant hustle of marketing and promoting. . . how I'm fed up with people who present themselves as your friend, but who really aren't. . . how you have to always keep your name in the forefront. . . how you always have to wear a thick skin. . . I vent about the cliques, the constant struggles and the pretentiousness. I vent about the store closings. . . I vent, vent, vent.

Then I take to my bed and simply sleep my troubles away. That's how I deal with stress. Covers over my head and blessed sleep. I have a straight out fabulous pity party and invite anyone and everyone to attend. You are courtesy invited to my "Life Sucks and Then We Die Party." Come as you are because no one really cares or gives a fuck.

I'm usually positive and upbeat, I thrive on that (I'm the affirmations queen), but sometimes life brings me the blues like anyone else. Reality is: Sometimes you simply can't make lemonade out of lemons. Sometimes if it smells like bs, looks like bs, then guess what, it is probably bs. Eventually I pray about the situation, count my many blessings, try not to sweat the small stuff which seems large gigantic stuff at that time, pick myself up, dust off my wounded ego and move on. After all, life doesn't stop for my woes. And who am I kidding? I couldn't and wouldn't give up writing any more than I could give up breathing.After all, writing is my connection and lifeline to the world. I don't want to lose that and be placed on life support. Writing makes up some of the best parts of who I am. And the majority of the time, I like, hell I love, who that person is.

But, I digress. . .

In the midst of my pity party, in the eye of the storm, imagine my surprise and delight when I received a simple text from an "A" list, New York Times bestselling, fierce author congratulating me on the accomplishment of the Black Expressions feature. I will not mention any names, but I thought that was such a grand, classy gesture. The author did not have to take the time, energy or a minute out of her day to send me that text. Just the fact that she did---took a moment out of her busy schedule (I know for a fact she was trying to meet a book deadline), made all the difference in the world. It was even more special because I personally admire her talent, success and beauty, both outside and within. I've followed her career from day one and marvel at her successes and humbleness.

Her simple gesture placed a smile on my face for the remainder of the day and she probably doesn't even realize it. But that's what it's all about, touching lives and not expecting anything in return. However, as are the laws of the universe, when you give unselfishly, eventually you do receive.

And just like that. . . that simple gesture successfully lifted me out of my funk and inspired me to keep on keeping on. People are taking notice of my hard work, dedication and passion for what I do. That is the one thing that is in my control. . . to keep the fire that burns deep within, alive. . . one word at a time.

"To often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word. . . when I awake I know I have one more day to make a difference in someone's life." ---author unknown



You Are Cordially Invited To My Pity Party!

No RSVP is necessary. Simply show up feeling defeated, discouraged and miserable with the world on your shoulders. Feel free to invite a friend or two. Misery loves company.

I'm knee deep in the midst of my very own pity party and I don't even know why. Or maybe I do know why and simply can't deal with it. I'm sure, as always, my impromptu pity party will be over and done with by tomorrow. As always, it starts with a bang and ends with a wimper.

I'm a moody person (wish to God I wasn't) and sometimes my bad moods simply slip up on me without any major announcement. I wish I could get some form of a warning: WARNING, WARNING, ELECTA! In just two days, you are going to get a doosey of a bad mood. Prepare yourself, hang on tight and hope for the best.

I feel. . . I feel like my life is in limbo. I also feel like a cry baby, like I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I admit, I feel totally powerless at times. I know where I want to go, I clearly know where I want to be, but the problem appears to be in the many paths to get there. It's so totally and utterly frustrating to feel you know your divine destiny and yet can't quite complete the mission.

I consider myself one of the most positive people I know. 95% of the time I count my blessings, give praises to God for my life, health and strength and I'm more than appreciative of the people, family and friends, in my life. I consider myself divinely favored.

The other 5% is where my problems begin and end. I feel like I'm my own worse critic and I never give myself enough credit or praise for the accomplishments in my life. I try not to compare my current situation with others because most of the time, 95% of the time, I realize I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be at the moment. What's meant for me is meant for me and no one else. And the absoulute beauty is that no one can change that. It is said, it is written, it is done.

However, lately I've wanted to speed up the process and arrive at my destination. And since I haven't (arrived) I come away frustrated and my faith dims. I begin to question my destiny and when I question that, I question who I am as a person. I feel lost and off balance. Instead of being positive and uplifting, doubt and fear set in. . . the twins of destruction.

I know for a fact how powerful our words and our thoughts are. We should use our words to change our situations and call the things that aren't as if they are. I truly believe that with all I know. However, sometimes I'm weak and I get tired of struggling and hoping and striving and taking three steps forward only to take one backwards.

I just want to arrive! Serve! Give back! Make a difference! Live out my destiny!

Is that asking too much?