Monday, July 06, 2009

You Are Cordially Invited To My Pity Party!

No RSVP is necessary. Simply show up feeling defeated, discouraged and miserable with the world on your shoulders. Feel free to invite a friend or two. Misery loves company.

I'm knee deep in the midst of my very own pity party and I don't even know why. Or maybe I do know why and simply can't deal with it. I'm sure, as always, my impromptu pity party will be over and done with by tomorrow. As always, it starts with a bang and ends with a wimper.

I'm a moody person (wish to God I wasn't) and sometimes my bad moods simply slip up on me without any major announcement. I wish I could get some form of a warning: WARNING, WARNING, ELECTA! In just two days, you are going to get a doosey of a bad mood. Prepare yourself, hang on tight and hope for the best.

I feel. . . I feel like my life is in limbo. I also feel like a cry baby, like I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I admit, I feel totally powerless at times. I know where I want to go, I clearly know where I want to be, but the problem appears to be in the many paths to get there. It's so totally and utterly frustrating to feel you know your divine destiny and yet can't quite complete the mission.

I consider myself one of the most positive people I know. 95% of the time I count my blessings, give praises to God for my life, health and strength and I'm more than appreciative of the people, family and friends, in my life. I consider myself divinely favored.

The other 5% is where my problems begin and end. I feel like I'm my own worse critic and I never give myself enough credit or praise for the accomplishments in my life. I try not to compare my current situation with others because most of the time, 95% of the time, I realize I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be at the moment. What's meant for me is meant for me and no one else. And the absoulute beauty is that no one can change that. It is said, it is written, it is done.

However, lately I've wanted to speed up the process and arrive at my destination. And since I haven't (arrived) I come away frustrated and my faith dims. I begin to question my destiny and when I question that, I question who I am as a person. I feel lost and off balance. Instead of being positive and uplifting, doubt and fear set in. . . the twins of destruction.

I know for a fact how powerful our words and our thoughts are. We should use our words to change our situations and call the things that aren't as if they are. I truly believe that with all I know. However, sometimes I'm weak and I get tired of struggling and hoping and striving and taking three steps forward only to take one backwards.

I just want to arrive! Serve! Give back! Make a difference! Live out my destiny!

Is that asking too much?

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