FIRST LOVES

I remember HIM as if it was only yesterday. I can picture his face and smile as clearly as I recognize my own. I guess it's true what they say about your first love---you never forget them. That is definitely true in my case and we are talking about years after the fact. Yes, I still remember the day we met. It was love at first sight, at least on my part anyway; our eyes locked and I was hooked. It was one of those lazy, hazy, hot summer days in Georgia when you could fry an egg on the sidewalk. There was a knock at the door, I answered it and HE walked into my life and into my heart.

I still remember those sexy brown eyes, the slight curve of his luscious lips when he smiled and kissed me with such passion and fervor as if I would be the only lady in his life, forever. I still remember his deep, heartfelt laughter. Laughter that sang to my heart and soul. And oh, how I still remember the feel of his hands when they touched my bare skin. Shivers went up and down my spine as he awakened desires in me that I never knew existed. It was then I realized, "this is what it feels like to be a real woman." I remember the whispered "I love yous" in my ear; like careless whispers that caressed my heart. Spoken words that made my heart flutter like small butterflies in flight. I was overflowing with love---for HIM. Impressions like that never leave you. They stay with you always and leave a permanent imprint on your heart and soul.

Like all firsts, they have to come to an end sooner or later. To put it simply, it doesn't matter who was right, who was wrong, our relationship ended, but HE still lives on in my heart and memories. We shared more good than bad, but eventually the bad overrode the good. But you know what? If I had to do it all over again, I would---with no hesitation or regrets. Even if the ending was exactly the same.

I have never loved the same way that I loved back then. I loved him with everything I had, everything I could give; I loved him as much as I loved myself. I have never felt such passion, again, for someone as I felt back then. Passion that makes you weak at the knees. I know what they mean when they say, "you have stars in your eyes." That's what I had, he couldn't do any wrong. Then, I was young and naive; I hadn't been hurt yet. I believed there was a soul mate in life for each and every one of us---I had found mine. I was trusting and eager to hand my fragile heart over to HIM.

Looking back, it was all so magical and innocent. Sometimes, I long for those times again. We approached everything with a newness that was fresh and untainted. There wasn't any baggage, hurt or past to color our eyes or cloud our decisions. I found all that and more with my first love. Reflecting back over that time in my life, I realize I have never, again, been that giving and trusting with my love. Now, I have the baggage and the hurt and pain to remember. Pain that keeps me from exposing all of myself , pain that keeps me from totally trusting anyone or giving 100% of myself to a man.

Yeah, HE's out of my life and has been for many years. I haven't set eyes on him since he walked out my life as quickly and quietly as he entered it. Only he walked away with my heart. Yeah, he broke my heart wide open. There's a hurt there that has never completely healed. I have grown from that innocent, first time in love, naive young woman into a mature adult. I have had a few relationships; some good, some bad. Nevertheless, HE did leave a profound impact on me. HE changed how I deal with men, period. I find that I judge other men based on him as a reference point. I tend to be attracted to men who resemble him: clean cut, low cropped hairstyles, light brown eyes and all with sexy smiles. I'm attracted to men in uniform.

There are days, when out of the blue, I find my mind wondering and myself thinking "what if". A song can come on the radio, our song, and it all comes back as if it was only yesterday. In my mind, it was only yesterday. I can still remember what he whispered to me as we held each other. How he held me. How he loved me. Oh, so gently. I always play this drama out in my mind that we will run into each other one day by accident. Of course, I will be looking my best, hair perfectly cofied, makeup flawless. I'll have on my most flattering outfit and basically be "the bomb." I really don't know how the conversation will go, if it will be awkward or natural, but I want him to see me and see what he missed. And. . .I would like to have one question answered, a question that has tormented me for years, "what we had, was it real?"

It had to have been; at least it was for me. I mean, I still think about this man years later. He's still haunting my dreams. No, we never forget our first loves. I sure didn't.

Journal Entry from March 19,1999

I've mentioned my past journal entries before. So, I thought you might find this entry amusing: In it, I'm writing a letter to myself right before the year 2000.


March 19, 1999

Dear Electa,

Hello Electa. I hope this letter finds you doing well, both mentally and physically, and if you are reading this, then it is almost the end of 1999. It's almost 2000; a new millennium, amazing. The year 2000 is symbolic of a new start; a new beginning. We get a fresh slate and can start over. Unfortunately, that's not realistic because we can never leave our past transgressions behind us and start over. Past experiences, both good and bad, make us who we are. That baggage forms who we are today. So, hopefully, we can learn from the past and move forward on a positive path.

Girl, I have gone through a lot of self-reflection and trying to find my niche and "calling" the last few years. It only takes one significant, major, tragic event in your life to make you realize how precious and short life really is. So, I am tired, so tired, of all the trivia things going on around me. I want to make a difference, no matter how small, in somebody's life so my living is not in vain. I don't have to reach millions of people. If I make a difference in just one person's life, then I have done my job.

By the end of 1999, I hope to have finished my manuscript and send it out to agents and publishers. I'll cross my fingers for positive feedback. Maybe this can be the voice or form of medium that can help someone out there. Maybe someone will read my novel and relate and realize, hey, I'm not alone. Someone else has gone through this and survived.

By the end of 1999, I would like to be at peace with myself. Sometimes I think there is a storm raging within me that only I can see and feel. I would like to see and accept myself for who and what I am; Electa Rome Parks. I have to accept myself with all my faults and all my attributes as well. I would love to get to the point where I don't care what people think of me. As long as I look in the mirror and like the person that I am, then no one else's opinion should matter. I would also like to reach the point where I have accepted my mother's death and the effects that has had on me. Now, that's another chapter all by itself.

By the end of 1999, I would like to have my house in order. I would like to get involved in my church more and expose my children to spirituality. I would like to continue to emphasize education, the importance of learning and striving towards a goal. My children are only 4 and 5, but it's never too early to instill these principals. I would like for my husband and myself to start giving back to each other. For so long our almost total focus has been our children. Now, it's time for us again.

By the end of 1999, I will continue to explore my creative writing skills and hopefully focus more and spend more time on that aspect of my life. I also intend to take better care of myself. 2000 will be the year for pampering myself. I intend to exercise, eat healthier, take my vitamins and meditate. Meditation is the key. Someitmes my mind will have a thousand and one cluttered thoughts going. The only way to clear my head and focus again is to meditate. I'm going to try to be stress free and focus on important things; not the trivia, bullshit, minute, unimportant, pointless people and things out there.

You know, I have come a long way. I have always believed in fate, karma, whatever you want to call it. I believe that a supernatural force is guiding our destinies and I feel that people are placed in our lives at certain points for a purpose. Take the Journal Writing Group II as an example, if I wasn't able to express my feelings openly and kept them bottled up, then I would probably be a basket case by now. Two years ago I didn't need this outlet, bt then again, two years ago my mother hadn't died at 52 years old of breast cancer. I know I harp on and on about this, but it has impacted my life greatly. I'm not the same person anymore. Sometimes, there is such great sadness and such emptiness that I can't even put it into words. It sneaks up on me unexpectedly and carries the same impact, a hard blow, each time. Things will never be the same again. But then, on the other hand, I feel my "guardian angels" watching over me and assuring me that I'll survive and this too shall pass.

If I keep this up, it's going to be the year 2000 and I'll still be writing this letter. So, I'll conclude by saying that in 1999 I'm focusing on a self-improvement project. I want to make a difference, be the best person I can be and realize that if I died today,my living wouldn't have been in vain.

Happy New Year!!! Happy New Year!!!

Love Always,

Electa Rome Parks

Musings On a Friday Night. . .

It's a Friday night at 9:59 p.m. (I love to date my postings because it always amazes me how moments in time will never, ever happen again). That's why I love to collect old photos; a moment in time, be it happy or sad, is captured forever. I have my old journals and sometimes I will read through those and think. . ."wow, that is what I was thinking and feeling back then, if only I knew what I know now." Or other times, I wish I could go back to a particular moment in time and relive it. Wouldn't that be amazing?

But anyway. . . I'm back to blogging. It's been awhile, but I can't stay away too long. Life takes me off in a million different directions, but I always come back (LOL). Writing is my therapy; it clears out all the clutter from every day living. And I have lots of clutter.

What can we talk about tonight? My thoughts are all over the place, as usual. I recently purchased this book titled, Change Almost Anything In 21 Days; it's by an author named Ruth Fishel. The premise is that words are powerful!(I already knew that). Affirmations are powerful as well. (I knew that too). The book states that if a person writes a positive affirmation that is "possible", (10 times),in the present tense for 21 days straight, then on the 21st day, it should happen. We manifest it. Isn't that absolutely amazing?

So. . . I'm checking it out and I'll let you know if it works for me on the 21st day, which will be sometime in January 2006. For now, I won't tell you what I'm trying to change (LOL). However, I believe it's very possible. I believe in a lot of things that most people would laugh at me for even considering. Reincarnation, spirits, spirit guides, guardian angels, psychic ability, dreams, totums, astrology are all topics I could discuss at length with much passion. Just ask my friends (smile).

What else? (I know I'm rambling).It still amazes me how many readers think that writers are what they write. Amazing. That may be the case for some writers; I couldn't say. I've always heard that we should write what we know. For those of you who have read my novels, The Ties That Bind, Loose Ends, and Almost Doesn't Count, you know I write pretty racy relationship based dramas. I can't tell you how many times readers have come up to me at signings and say, "Oh, you're sooooo sweet." I don't know who they are expecting to meet. . . maybe a sexpot (LOL). . . but that trips me out. Writers creative these imaginary worlds inside our minds. That's what we do. I admit, a piece of myself is probably in every book I write, but it's just a itsy bitsy piece (LOL).

I recently finished the manuscript for my fourth novel, Ladies Night Out, which is scheduled for release sometime in 2006, probably the summer. After I finished, I felt so sad. I'm always like that...the completion of a manuscript means my day-to-day interaction and being connected to my main characters is over. I miss them. Then, I go through the stage of getting over the fear of releasing my words to the universe. However, I have such loyal readers that you guys always show me love.

More musings. It's almost Christmas! Can you believe it? Man, time flies. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday of the year because I have such good memories that go hand in hand with it. I recall such good times with family members who have passed on. Around Christmastime, the world takes on another feel that embraces me. Love, peace and good cheer is in the air and in abundance. Plus, I fell in love for the first time one Christmas years ago (smile). And ladies, you know we never forget our first loves; I'll tell you about him one day. On the flip side, I have bitter sweet memories of my mom, who is now deceased, shopping and laughing and spending time with me. Dot, as she was affectionally called, loved this time of the year so much.

Well, let me let you go. Thanks for spending a moment in time with me; a moment that will never come around again. I pray that 2006 will bring bigger and better ones. To the people on the literary side (you know who you are), who played positive, supportive and mentoring roles in my life, your time and energies were greatly appreciated! To my readers: I love you guys; you warm my heart.

Merry Xmas,

Electa