FIRST LOVES

I remember HIM as if it was only yesterday. I can picture his face and smile as clearly as I recognize my own. I guess it's true what they say about your first love---you never forget them. That is definitely true in my case and we are talking about years after the fact. Yes, I still remember the day we met. It was love at first sight, at least on my part anyway; our eyes locked and I was hooked. It was one of those lazy, hazy, hot summer days in Georgia when you could fry an egg on the sidewalk. There was a knock at the door, I answered it and HE walked into my life and into my heart.

I still remember those sexy brown eyes, the slight curve of his luscious lips when he smiled and kissed me with such passion and fervor as if I would be the only lady in his life, forever. I still remember his deep, heartfelt laughter. Laughter that sang to my heart and soul. And oh, how I still remember the feel of his hands when they touched my bare skin. Shivers went up and down my spine as he awakened desires in me that I never knew existed. It was then I realized, "this is what it feels like to be a real woman." I remember the whispered "I love yous" in my ear; like careless whispers that caressed my heart. Spoken words that made my heart flutter like small butterflies in flight. I was overflowing with love---for HIM. Impressions like that never leave you. They stay with you always and leave a permanent imprint on your heart and soul.

Like all firsts, they have to come to an end sooner or later. To put it simply, it doesn't matter who was right, who was wrong, our relationship ended, but HE still lives on in my heart and memories. We shared more good than bad, but eventually the bad overrode the good. But you know what? If I had to do it all over again, I would---with no hesitation or regrets. Even if the ending was exactly the same.

I have never loved the same way that I loved back then. I loved him with everything I had, everything I could give; I loved him as much as I loved myself. I have never felt such passion, again, for someone as I felt back then. Passion that makes you weak at the knees. I know what they mean when they say, "you have stars in your eyes." That's what I had, he couldn't do any wrong. Then, I was young and naive; I hadn't been hurt yet. I believed there was a soul mate in life for each and every one of us---I had found mine. I was trusting and eager to hand my fragile heart over to HIM.

Looking back, it was all so magical and innocent. Sometimes, I long for those times again. We approached everything with a newness that was fresh and untainted. There wasn't any baggage, hurt or past to color our eyes or cloud our decisions. I found all that and more with my first love. Reflecting back over that time in my life, I realize I have never, again, been that giving and trusting with my love. Now, I have the baggage and the hurt and pain to remember. Pain that keeps me from exposing all of myself , pain that keeps me from totally trusting anyone or giving 100% of myself to a man.

Yeah, HE's out of my life and has been for many years. I haven't set eyes on him since he walked out my life as quickly and quietly as he entered it. Only he walked away with my heart. Yeah, he broke my heart wide open. There's a hurt there that has never completely healed. I have grown from that innocent, first time in love, naive young woman into a mature adult. I have had a few relationships; some good, some bad. Nevertheless, HE did leave a profound impact on me. HE changed how I deal with men, period. I find that I judge other men based on him as a reference point. I tend to be attracted to men who resemble him: clean cut, low cropped hairstyles, light brown eyes and all with sexy smiles. I'm attracted to men in uniform.

There are days, when out of the blue, I find my mind wondering and myself thinking "what if". A song can come on the radio, our song, and it all comes back as if it was only yesterday. In my mind, it was only yesterday. I can still remember what he whispered to me as we held each other. How he held me. How he loved me. Oh, so gently. I always play this drama out in my mind that we will run into each other one day by accident. Of course, I will be looking my best, hair perfectly cofied, makeup flawless. I'll have on my most flattering outfit and basically be "the bomb." I really don't know how the conversation will go, if it will be awkward or natural, but I want him to see me and see what he missed. And. . .I would like to have one question answered, a question that has tormented me for years, "what we had, was it real?"

It had to have been; at least it was for me. I mean, I still think about this man years later. He's still haunting my dreams. No, we never forget our first loves. I sure didn't.