Friday, December 16, 2005

FIRST LOVES

I remember HIM as if it was only yesterday. I can picture his face and smile as clearly as I recognize my own. I guess it's true what they say about your first love---you never forget them. That is definitely true in my case and we are talking about years after the fact. Yes, I still remember the day we met. It was love at first sight, at least on my part anyway; our eyes locked and I was hooked. It was one of those lazy, hazy, hot summer days in Georgia when you could fry an egg on the sidewalk. There was a knock at the door, I answered it and HE walked into my life and into my heart.

I still remember those sexy brown eyes, the slight curve of his luscious lips when he smiled and kissed me with such passion and fervor as if I would be the only lady in his life, forever. I still remember his deep, heartfelt laughter. Laughter that sang to my heart and soul. And oh, how I still remember the feel of his hands when they touched my bare skin. Shivers went up and down my spine as he awakened desires in me that I never knew existed. It was then I realized, "this is what it feels like to be a real woman." I remember the whispered "I love yous" in my ear; like careless whispers that caressed my heart. Spoken words that made my heart flutter like small butterflies in flight. I was overflowing with love---for HIM. Impressions like that never leave you. They stay with you always and leave a permanent imprint on your heart and soul.

Like all firsts, they have to come to an end sooner or later. To put it simply, it doesn't matter who was right, who was wrong, our relationship ended, but HE still lives on in my heart and memories. We shared more good than bad, but eventually the bad overrode the good. But you know what? If I had to do it all over again, I would---with no hesitation or regrets. Even if the ending was exactly the same.

I have never loved the same way that I loved back then. I loved him with everything I had, everything I could give; I loved him as much as I loved myself. I have never felt such passion, again, for someone as I felt back then. Passion that makes you weak at the knees. I know what they mean when they say, "you have stars in your eyes." That's what I had, he couldn't do any wrong. Then, I was young and naive; I hadn't been hurt yet. I believed there was a soul mate in life for each and every one of us---I had found mine. I was trusting and eager to hand my fragile heart over to HIM.

Looking back, it was all so magical and innocent. Sometimes, I long for those times again. We approached everything with a newness that was fresh and untainted. There wasn't any baggage, hurt or past to color our eyes or cloud our decisions. I found all that and more with my first love. Reflecting back over that time in my life, I realize I have never, again, been that giving and trusting with my love. Now, I have the baggage and the hurt and pain to remember. Pain that keeps me from exposing all of myself , pain that keeps me from totally trusting anyone or giving 100% of myself to a man.

Yeah, HE's out of my life and has been for many years. I haven't set eyes on him since he walked out my life as quickly and quietly as he entered it. Only he walked away with my heart. Yeah, he broke my heart wide open. There's a hurt there that has never completely healed. I have grown from that innocent, first time in love, naive young woman into a mature adult. I have had a few relationships; some good, some bad. Nevertheless, HE did leave a profound impact on me. HE changed how I deal with men, period. I find that I judge other men based on him as a reference point. I tend to be attracted to men who resemble him: clean cut, low cropped hairstyles, light brown eyes and all with sexy smiles. I'm attracted to men in uniform.

There are days, when out of the blue, I find my mind wondering and myself thinking "what if". A song can come on the radio, our song, and it all comes back as if it was only yesterday. In my mind, it was only yesterday. I can still remember what he whispered to me as we held each other. How he held me. How he loved me. Oh, so gently. I always play this drama out in my mind that we will run into each other one day by accident. Of course, I will be looking my best, hair perfectly cofied, makeup flawless. I'll have on my most flattering outfit and basically be "the bomb." I really don't know how the conversation will go, if it will be awkward or natural, but I want him to see me and see what he missed. And. . .I would like to have one question answered, a question that has tormented me for years, "what we had, was it real?"

It had to have been; at least it was for me. I mean, I still think about this man years later. He's still haunting my dreams. No, we never forget our first loves. I sure didn't.

40 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, your story is amazingly written! You describe it perfectly! I would know, I just had my heart broken for the first time! I am 18 and I have much to learn! Your story helped me not feel so alone! Thank you

Tuesday, March 21, 2006  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

L enjoyed your story becaue it brings back memories of a very similar situation I had only a few short months ago. I wrote a poem stating most of the same situations you described. Our difference? I received a call from HIM a few weeks ago and my question to him was exactly the same as yours. Was it real? Yes,he replied. Knowing it was real has enabled me to accept the present and embrace the past. It was a time I will absolutely never forget. Thanks for sharing your story.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Ms.Parks. Just wanted to tell you how deeply and truly i love your books. I've read all three and just simple can't get enough that i had to read them over. I could relate to your stories because i had a guy who verbally abused me but i still can't hate him. Every time we break up we end up back together, then every thing starts over again. Thanks for your strong inspirations. My eyes are now wide open. Keep up the good work sista. And hurry up with that fourth book, just kidding.

Friday, June 23, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Electa, I read your article on first love. That's Totally profound what you said about your first love. Ladies and Gentlemen please when you find your soulmate don't let them get away you may regret it for the rest of your life. Electa I'm very sorry for any kind of unprovoked hurt I caused you. I was very young and Immature. I didn't realize what a Blessing I had when I first looked into your Astounding eyes and held you in my arms. I often dream about what you and I could have had in this life together. I have never found anyone who still thinks about me like you say you do. That makes me sad when I reflect on how I change your life like that, please forgive me I'm very sorry. I have been blessed through out the years. God allowed me to retire from the military and I am about to finish my Phd very shortly. I said that just to mean this imagine if I had my soulmate in my life which is you where I would be now. I stiil love you to Electa and there will always be a place in my heart for you. P.S. It don't matter what your hair looks like or what dress you have on when I see you. will always be the Hot digity Bomb to me Yes it was very real (Smile) Truth Or Dare (Smile)

Thursday, November 16, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Men crave for a woman like that. But because of that one guy that hurt a female's heart she because a little angry. Some men take time to grow up and realize what they have. Just think about it. Those words that you wrote came from your heart. I noticed he responsed. He know now what he missed out on. Regardless you both have a piece of each other in your heart. As much as your mind wondered about him I believe he throught about you over the years as well. So you wasn't the only one thinking about "what if."

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My exact sentiments. But at least you've had years to heal . . . my first love broke my heart wide open very recently. He was the only man I ever trusted in my entire life and he turned out to be the one who crushed me the most. I find it crazy that I can love and despise him so much at the same time. I trust God to heal me completely, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I'll always be broken. Every day is a struggle because I loved him with all my heart.

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