Friday, December 16, 2005

Journal Entry from March 19,1999

I've mentioned my past journal entries before. So, I thought you might find this entry amusing: In it, I'm writing a letter to myself right before the year 2000.


March 19, 1999

Dear Electa,

Hello Electa. I hope this letter finds you doing well, both mentally and physically, and if you are reading this, then it is almost the end of 1999. It's almost 2000; a new millennium, amazing. The year 2000 is symbolic of a new start; a new beginning. We get a fresh slate and can start over. Unfortunately, that's not realistic because we can never leave our past transgressions behind us and start over. Past experiences, both good and bad, make us who we are. That baggage forms who we are today. So, hopefully, we can learn from the past and move forward on a positive path.

Girl, I have gone through a lot of self-reflection and trying to find my niche and "calling" the last few years. It only takes one significant, major, tragic event in your life to make you realize how precious and short life really is. So, I am tired, so tired, of all the trivia things going on around me. I want to make a difference, no matter how small, in somebody's life so my living is not in vain. I don't have to reach millions of people. If I make a difference in just one person's life, then I have done my job.

By the end of 1999, I hope to have finished my manuscript and send it out to agents and publishers. I'll cross my fingers for positive feedback. Maybe this can be the voice or form of medium that can help someone out there. Maybe someone will read my novel and relate and realize, hey, I'm not alone. Someone else has gone through this and survived.

By the end of 1999, I would like to be at peace with myself. Sometimes I think there is a storm raging within me that only I can see and feel. I would like to see and accept myself for who and what I am; Electa Rome Parks. I have to accept myself with all my faults and all my attributes as well. I would love to get to the point where I don't care what people think of me. As long as I look in the mirror and like the person that I am, then no one else's opinion should matter. I would also like to reach the point where I have accepted my mother's death and the effects that has had on me. Now, that's another chapter all by itself.

By the end of 1999, I would like to have my house in order. I would like to get involved in my church more and expose my children to spirituality. I would like to continue to emphasize education, the importance of learning and striving towards a goal. My children are only 4 and 5, but it's never too early to instill these principals. I would like for my husband and myself to start giving back to each other. For so long our almost total focus has been our children. Now, it's time for us again.

By the end of 1999, I will continue to explore my creative writing skills and hopefully focus more and spend more time on that aspect of my life. I also intend to take better care of myself. 2000 will be the year for pampering myself. I intend to exercise, eat healthier, take my vitamins and meditate. Meditation is the key. Someitmes my mind will have a thousand and one cluttered thoughts going. The only way to clear my head and focus again is to meditate. I'm going to try to be stress free and focus on important things; not the trivia, bullshit, minute, unimportant, pointless people and things out there.

You know, I have come a long way. I have always believed in fate, karma, whatever you want to call it. I believe that a supernatural force is guiding our destinies and I feel that people are placed in our lives at certain points for a purpose. Take the Journal Writing Group II as an example, if I wasn't able to express my feelings openly and kept them bottled up, then I would probably be a basket case by now. Two years ago I didn't need this outlet, bt then again, two years ago my mother hadn't died at 52 years old of breast cancer. I know I harp on and on about this, but it has impacted my life greatly. I'm not the same person anymore. Sometimes, there is such great sadness and such emptiness that I can't even put it into words. It sneaks up on me unexpectedly and carries the same impact, a hard blow, each time. Things will never be the same again. But then, on the other hand, I feel my "guardian angels" watching over me and assuring me that I'll survive and this too shall pass.

If I keep this up, it's going to be the year 2000 and I'll still be writing this letter. So, I'll conclude by saying that in 1999 I'm focusing on a self-improvement project. I want to make a difference, be the best person I can be and realize that if I died today,my living wouldn't have been in vain.

Happy New Year!!! Happy New Year!!!

Love Always,

Electa Rome Parks

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